S.O.S, H.E.L.P, W.O.O.F

Help. Me. Please. Female human has taken to abuse again. Once every couple of weeks she flies into a mad state of lunacy, forcing me into a pool of lukewarm water. Then she slathers pomegranate-flavored bubbles all over my body. Somebody out there...anybody. Please save me. She's sure to do it again very soon.

Pssst, hey you.  Over there. Yes, YOU!
Read my eyes: Help stop the abuse before it's too late.

Seriously. This is no joke. I don't even like pomegranates. 

Stairs Suck

Can I just say how much I despise two-story houses? And those doggone (there's that word again) humans.

    They're up
       Then they're down
          Up
             Down
                Down
                    Up
                        Uuuup and dowwwwn
                              Dowwwwn and uuuup

How's an almost-13-year-old-dog (that's 91 in human years) supposed to keep up with this nonsense?

Where are you going? I just got up here! 

Where are you going? I just got down here! 

Seriously? You're going downstairs again?

Uh, no. I will not come upstairs with you.
My legs are broken.

I'm just a doggone dog, after all

I bet the three of you reading this are wondering why I haven't dogged--er, I mean, blogged (I get those two words mixed up)--in awhile. Well, you might not believe this, but my life's pretty full. In fact, I hardly have the time to get my five veterinarian-recommended daily naps in, let alone log on to this dog-gone computer to write, which is--

Wait a sec, here's a question I've always wondered: Is the word dog-gone? Or dog on? Or dogg-on? And what does that mean anyway? If I'm a dog and I'm gone, well then I'm hardly able to be here at the same time because I'll be gone. Baffling.

So, where was I? Oh yes, this dog-gone computer--hmmmm, is the word dogg-on or dog on? Oh, shucks, we've already covered that, haven't we.

So, anyway--*sniff, sniff* what the...?

Ooh, ooh, my male human's home! I'm not supposed to be on my female human's new computer when she's not--uh-oh. 

I'm so busted.