S.O.S, H.E.L.P, W.O.O.F

Help. Me. Please. Female human has taken to abuse again. Once every couple of weeks she flies into a mad state of lunacy, forcing me into a pool of lukewarm water. Then she slathers pomegranate-flavored bubbles all over my body. Somebody out there...anybody. Please save me. She's sure to do it again very soon.

Pssst, hey you.  Over there. Yes, YOU!
Read my eyes: Help stop the abuse before it's too late.

Seriously. This is no joke. I don't even like pomegranates.